Coping with the Holidays
Holidays are especially difficult if you've recently lost another person through death. By planning ahead, however, and dealing realistically with your holiday expectations, you can help ensure your days are filled with peaceful satisfaction rather than painful sadness. Holidays aren't just "something to be gotten through." They should be a time for reflection and rejuvenation. Whether this holiday season is the first or the 40th you've faced since losing a loved one, there are some special considerations you need to think about while making your holiday plans. The first years after the loss of a loved one are the most difficult, and it is these days on which this article focuses.
Notice in the sentence above, it says: "the first years" are the most difficult. Not the first hours, the first days, or the first months, but the first years.
Before reading any further, it is important to accept and admit this to yourself. If you can do this, you are halfway to the point of being able to enjoy peaceful and pain-free holidays. AnticipationInitially, the most difficult part about facing a holiday, or an entire holiday season, is the fear about how awful the day is going to be. Often, the anticipation prior to the event is worse than the event itself due to the worry about surviving the occasion. Looking ahead and imagining what the day will be like tends to intensify any feelings of grief because we're reminded of the lost loved one. Holidays also are a means of marking the passage of time, and that too can be a painful reminder. Writing down your fears in advance of a holiday will help you express your feelings. When writing, be entirely honest with yourself; it will help you gain control over your feelings. Clarifying your thoughts will help you feel less overwhelmed, especially when you begin to view the holiday as made up of small events rather than endless commitments and demands. "I thought I was doing much better. The pain had subsided; I could laugh again. I was beginning to spend time with friends. My eating and sleeping patterns were back to normal. Then, I had to face my first holiday without him. I felt the familiar effects of grief wash over me and it was like the healing process had never begun."
- Anonymous Preparation
Decorating for the holidays, although it may seem like more work than it is worth, will bring warmth into your home and should not be avoided. If decorating seems overwhelming to you, let your children, other family members, neighbors or friends help you. They'll provide valuable companionship and help make the project a special event rather than a chore. Once the decorating is done, you'll be happy to have the seasonal reminder that life is continuing and so must you. If you find yourself alone for the holidays, take advantage of the time and pamper yourself. Get a book you've wanted to read, write letters that are overdue, treat yourself to a special meal, or call a friend who may also be alone. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely, and you may find you enjoy the time to think and reflect. If you know in advance that you don't want to be by yourself, plan not to be. It may mean calling family or friends and suggesting a special holiday activity, but it is a way for you to let them know you'd like to spend time with them. Fellowship with others often is the best medicine for a grieving heart. Participation
Holidays are naturally demanding—whether you've lost a loved one or not. They usually require entertaining or being entertained, shopping, commitments to spend time with family and friends, extra housework and cooking, etc. If you're invited to do something you'd rather not do, be tentative in giving your answer. An honest but brief explanation of how you've been feeling lately will be understood and will allow you flexibility. Simply tell your host or hostess that some days are better than others since your loss, and if you're feeling up to it, you'd love to attend. This way, no firm commitment has been made, yet you still have the opportunity to enjoy the company of friends if you desire. This allows you to observe realistic limits in your routine. ContinuationRegardless of how many commitments you have over the holidays, the most important thing to remember is to keep things simple. Say no to invitations you'd rather not accept, and don't be afraid to express your feelings. If you want to cry, do. If you need to talk about how you are feeling, do. If you want to be alone, it's okay as long as you continue to reach out to others on occasion. Above all, take the time necessary to be in touch with your feelings and expectations and react accordingly. If you do, you'll find you're actually enjoying the holidays rather than just coping with them.
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